Every post will be different, it will come from the heart. This blog will be about our walk with the Lord, and every day it is a walk consistently blessed and different from another day. This isn't saying the walks will be without struggles because we our only human.
The difference is: We have accepted God as our Lord and Savior, will you?
Contents:
Expectations
When I last attempted to post I got an error message, so I gave up for a day.
I've improved, but no significantley. There are so many people struggling with depression and they don't "want you to know" or "won't admit."
There is such an amazing song by Kutless that really just speaks to me about this point in my life..
I'm tired of attempting to meet the expectations of the world, and the expectations of the people all around me. So tired.... What if I "fail?" What if I don't become what everyone expects/expected? What then?
It's hard to accurately describe what I've been going through, and what's harder is when you know people don't understand. Sometimes I think that they don't want to understand. It seems, at least for me, a quick message of "Hey I'm thinking and praying for you," and then never hearing from them again isn't quite enough. Selfish? I don't know. It's a strange thing. Many times I don't want to talk to people, especially people who are close - but I still want to know they care and are praying.
During hardships and trails like this, I'm finding out who really cares. I'm finding out who remembers and how many people truly aren't showing the love of Christ towards me. Many care I suppose, but I don't see it.
At work today I was thinking how best to sum up depression, and what I came up with was the phrase...
Slow Death
It's a death for your mind when everything is clouded and you cannot understand some of the most simple points. When your future seems distant and hopeless, that you are the problem, nothing less.
It's a death for all the remaining hope you might have had inside of you.
A death for you're faith and hope, you're trust in God. A death, essentially, for your Spiritual wellness and everything you had previously held onto with such love and trust.
Also a death for your physical self. When you're tired and have no hope. When you can't get out of bed, when you weep until you can't squeeze anything else out. When you've lost your appetite and are attacked with anxiety.
I'm reading the book, DEPRESSION A Stubborn Darkness - Light For The Path. It seems to bring hope to me when I thought there wasn't any. It describes the depression in a way I thought wasn't possible, in a way I never could. When I feel like citing it I may post some of what I feel so connected with in another post.
I'm not sure why I am writing on here, I checked the feed and saw only one "click" for yesterday's post. That could mean someone scanned the page and was revolted and left, or that someone was actually touched when they read. I think it's the possibility that someone with similar "issues" might stumble across the blog and bring hope, or that I may bring a shimmer of hope towards another. Even some conversation would be nice.
Until next time...
What's Happening?
Sometimes it's hard to come to terms with what is really happening in your life. Like every moment you are currently living is utterly surreal. Now, I don't mean surreal in a good way, no, I mean in a way that is utterly horrifying and terrifying to the core. Every waking moment, each step taken, each breath, each thought, a surreal horror of life.
A place that you find yourself in that you don't feel you should be. A place that you feel like a failure, a loser. You feel insecure, a washout, a dropout, a bum. You feel desperate... clawing at the walls of your soul as if you will tear yourself free from the place you find yourself.
The emotions you feel rip your gut apart. They bog down your mind, cloud your thoughts and actions. They don't give you rest and you feel lost, hopeless, gone, like the walking dead. A body without purpose, life, peace, rest, or worth.
I once heard the term "Life sucks and then you die." At the time I utterly hated hearing it, it repelled me from the person who stated it with such compassion and truth in their own mind. However; now it seems to draw me close and reverberate within me.
I never knew such hardship, such failure, such fear, such punishment, and such questions.
I don't know who comes to this blog, or if I'm just typing my own thoughts and placing them into the world for myself. Or, if just a couple people come to this blog and might be touched by the words that are typed on the page. Truthfully I would rather change the day of one person, than have 1,000 hits, 100 hits, or even 10 hits to the blog. I haven't been writing much at all, my life has really gone "down the crapper."
On one hand I can say to myself that I don't blame God but on the other hand, I know that I do. I am angry at the One that loves me so unconditionally. I am upset with the way my life has gone downhill (in my eyes) to this point.
I don't went to get into extreme detail within this single post, but I will cover some overlaying issues I guess....
Recently I've fallen into a major depression state, with anxiety to boot. The reason leading to this is long and complex, and I might come to share it on the blog. To those with depression, I really do feel for you. I know what you feel. I've woken up in the morning and just wanted to die. I've cried until I felt like I had no more tears in my tear ducts, and then found out that I had many, many more tears to weep. I feel and have felt like I am lost in a pit that I will never be able to get out. I've felt like God is lost, so far away, and my life has been so darkened. I've been so confused and unsure about my life, as I still am now. Above most, I have been and am at a loss, for what I thought I heard from God.
I also have found out that I feel that I desperately need money. Luckily I have a job, but it doesn't seem to be doing enough. I know there are people in worse situations then me, and I can't imagine it.
At this point in my life I feel hurt, I am struggling, and I am lost. I feel rebellious against God, coming from the fact that I feel stabbed in the back by Him. I feel worthless, like I am unable to achieve, either in college or life. I also feel selfish and "greedy."
Mighty Man Of Valor I've recently been reading Wild At Heart, by John Eldredge during a break from college. A couple items he writes about I don't agree with entirely, but he has really opened my eyes to adventurous warriors that God truly intended man to be. Throughout reading the novel I really saw that I have a wound/s that have been inflicted on me from my past. I saw that the heart I have is really a pure heart, and it is simply a lie from satan in which he constantly tells us we have sinner's hearts. I won't get more in depth, if you want more information you would really have to read the book.
Truth be told I'm simply blogging out of boredom. My mother is in the living room watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, her boyfriend and cat are doing the same. I'm on the floor, typing away and letting the words cycle through cyberspace.... getting deep huh?
God's been such an amazing Blessing, such an amazing Abba Father in my life. I've grown 100 times fold since originally creating this blog. He is definitely working with me on areas that I still fall short, opening up wounds and guiding death to self (flesh) in order to grow in Him.
Not much more to say, of course its late. God Bless you all and Keep you!
Needing to Write...
Some people are fine with walking through life getting a meager job, having a family, and making a small impact to those around them. Some people are even more content making no impact at all in the world. Some people want to change the world, to make a major impact and difference.
I want to change the world. It's in my heart to do something in order to make that happen. I want to reach out and touch the hearts of the people around me. How? Heh, no idea. I've spent the vacation sitting at home basically playing video games unable to even really clean my room. Where is the passion? Where is the force to be able to make small steps in my own life, cleaning up my own act, in order to change those around me, and eventually the world?
Many people (especially college students) probably at some point in their lives wanted to change the world but that fact never became a reality for them. I want it to become a reality, I don't want such a passion to fall through the cracks.
This past semester has really thrown me through the loop. I've endured hardships and trials that have helped to grow me in ways that I never thought could have happened - but God was the only one who knew what to bring me through for the start of changes that needed to take place.
The end of this last semester still has me thrown for a loop, an amazing loop.
When I devoted my heart to God I was convinced that I would never marry or be in a relationship. I was utterly convinced that I would never have a family and I would be single, devoting my heart and life towards God. Over the process of my walk God has been sincerely changing that within me and I have the passion for family, and a wife who has a heart and passion for God.
God has brought me together with an amazing woman, and we both have feelings for each other.
I don't quite know how to explain my feelings for her... I've fallen, and fallen hard. It's something that I couldn't quiet explain to you just a month ago. I was so hardened against all relationships. This woman has melted my heart. How? In just a small instance, when I receive a text my heart jumps hoping it is from her.
God hasn't told me if "she is the one" ... but right now I'm taking it a day at a time.
THE POWER OF IMAGINATION
The Family Guy Animation, computers, automobiles, movies just to mention a few are all products of imagination. Everything you see around was once a thought. Thoughts well utilized can produce amazing creations. Human beings are capable of doing impossible things. Some years ago, astronauts dreamed of landing on the moon, two brothers dreamed of manufacturing the airplane, Thomas Edison thought of inventing the light bulb, Henry Ford, the automobile, guess what, they all turned their imagination into realities. Can you transform your thoughts into reality? Well, this article will show you how.
Ephesians 3:20 says “Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.” What is the power that works in you, 1 John 4:4 says, “Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.” Greater is God, the master designer, the great architect, the master artiste and the best inventor dwells in you. He has more ideas that you can think of. He is just waiting on you to tap into those ideas to bless humanity. All you have to do is to think it, believe it and make God let it happen. I believe the greatest inventors are yet to come and I know you could be one of them. The problem in this generation is that everything occupies our time besides the word of God. Isaiah 40:31 says “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” All you have to do is just wait on the Lord. When you do this, he will fill your mind with ideas, creativity and strength.
Let me tell you more about the power of imagination. Joshua 6:2 And the LORD said unto Joshua, See, I have given into thine hand Jericho, and the king thereof, and the mighty men of valour.
This is a scripture to prove that before God gives you a victory, he provides a mental picture. He told Joshua to see it. He mentally prepared him for the battle ahead. In the same way, you must have mental pictures about your future. Dream big about victories and success. See yourself handling companies, building houses and doing great things for the Lord. Have a vision for your life and begin to imagine it happen. You know that Flo mo was also once a thought? But someone managed to bring it into existence. It is now a college that you can boast of. Recently, one of its products Barrington Irvin transformed his vision into reality being the first black and youngest pilot to fly around the world solo.
Take a look at these occupations and tell me which one does not make use of imagination; fashion designers, musicians, architects, artistes and movie writers. They all do make use of imagination. You can do it too. Determine to use your imagination from today. Once you get an idea, pray, plan, believe it and put it into action. The God who promises us in the bible will bring it to pass. The world appreciates those who make it better. Let it be in your goals to be one of those who made the world a better place.
Finally, Proverbs 23:7 says, “For as he thinketh within himself, so is he….” Take a dosage of God’s word early in the morning and right before bed in the evening. Meditate on his word until it becomes a part of your being. Jamie Paolinetti said, “Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless.” Let your thoughts, words, action and character count. Use your imagination and make your community a better place to live.
BRANDING YOUR SELF FOR SUCCESS
What comes to mind when you hear Rolex, Nestle, McDonald’s or Johnson & Johnson? These are brand names which have been very successful in the market. Their names stand out from the other products. The moment you hear such names, qualities such as durability, excellence and value comes to mind. What brand do you stand for?
As an outstanding student, one of your qualities should undoubtedly be a good personality. Your personality stands for who you are that is: your character, dressings, vocabulary, abilities, response to time, appearance and knowledge. It is no use to have great talent without character, have good appearance but without discipline to time or have a humble character but without knowledge. These attributes work together. Rolex as a product has stood the test of time for its qualities such genuine, unique and consistent success. In the mind of users, it is a product that never fails. It is associated with class that is why the golf champion Tiger Woods endorses it. In the same way, what do students, employers or professors associate with your personality? Do they see brilliance, diligence, achiever or laziness?
Secondly, performance and achievement makes a brand more unique. Orprah Winfrey is known as the most influential woman in the world. Her success in the talk show business comes from a record of consistent superior performance on each show. Outstanding students have a track record of maintaining good grades. Students with a G.P.A of 4.0 are under pressure to maintain it. This is why students who think of making themselves good brands keep working hard to maintain their success. Achieving success is not as difficult as maintaining it. Good brands keep working on themselves to ensure they remain competitive. It is in the light of this that the bible says in Proverbs 22:29 that “Seest thou a man diligent in his business? he shall stand before kings; He shall not stand before mean men.” Diligent students who maintain the quality of their brands always get rewarded by men of honor.
Finally, good brands build a high level of trust among their users. Domino’s pizza guarantees a pizza in thirty minutes or a free pizza, Wal mart tells it costumers to save money, live better, and FMU guarantees students, A Promise, A future. They all live to expectations. Colin Powell said “If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude.” It is time for us to achieve extraordinary performance to raise our brand name. When we back our words with actions, our attitude of credulity will be sustained.
