Mao’s Underground Beijing
I’m fascinated with underground places: New York’s forgotten subway tunnels, the underground city that allegedly lies under the subway in Tokyo, catacombs and bunkers of all kinds. So Viceland’s trip to the underground city beneath Beijing, constructed by Chairman Mao in case of nuclear war, is right up my creepy-ass alley.
Mao’s Underground City
Mao was nuttier than Grandma’s fruitcake at the end of it all, so an underground city must have seemed like an awesome idea at the time. The war still hasn’t happened, but the tunnels remain, mostly abandoned but occasionally used for storage space or wicked sweet rave parties.
At least the world got some cool photos out of the deal.
Not a Ninja
This thing is a better ninja than this idiot.
Stupid Seattle ninjas. They’re always getting drunk and impaling themselves on fences. It’s getting old.
Ninjidiot
Simple version: drunk asshole tries to climb a fence because he thinks he’s a ninja. He slips and impales his ass (literally; the story says he had a ‘metal spike jutting out through his buttock’) on a fence. Police act like they care until they get back to the precinct, where they all have a laugh.
The entire story is worth it for this comment from a reader:
On behalf of the ninja community, I would like to assure readers that this man is not in fact an actual ninja. We are certainly embarrassed by his antics, and want everyone to know that true ninjas do not behave in this fashion. A real ninja would most likely not have impaled himself on a fence; and if he had, he would have almost certainly done it quietly, in secret, and nobody would have heard about it; and if by chance somebody did, the ninja would have assassinated them before they could tell anyone. The way of the ninja is shadow and silence. Not sticking a fencepost up one’s bum. That is the way of the doofus. Kanpai!
DVD Review – Cure
Finally, the last of my Halloween Asian horror reviews! Unfortunately, the movie sucked. There are spoilers.
Cure (Japan, 1997)
Cure is billed as a horror movie, but it’s really more of a psychological thriller. I wanted to like Cure, I really did. The concept is, as far as I know, unique among suspense films. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t get into it; despite the interesting idea behind it, the movie is a jumbled mess.
Takabe is a police detective with a face like a basset hound and Richard Gere hair. His wife is disabled; she seems to have short-term memory loss so severe that she can go to the convenience store and get lost on the way home. It’s a stressful situation for Takabe, who secretly feels that his wife has become a burden instead of a partner. As if that weren’t weird enough, he’s stuck on a really bizarre case: a string of serial murders with one connection; every victim has an X cut into their throat, severing both carotid arteries. In each case, the murderer is apprehended quickly, because they make no attempt to hide or cover up the crime. They’re all normal people: a doctor, a loving husband, a cop. All of them seem to have no memory of the events leading up to the murder, and are horrified by their actions afterward.
In his investigation, Takabe turns up another connection between the killings. Shortly before each murder, the perps had encounters with a scruffy young drifter named Mamiya, who seems to have no short-term memory whatsoever. Takiya finally gets his hands on Mamiya, who plays dumb. But Takabe knows he is hiding something.
With the help of a police psychologist, Takabe learns that Mamiya is a former psychology student who is obsessed with hypnotism. He’s not actually an amnesiac at all; he uses that as an excuse to approach people and hypnotize them into killing others. But Takabe seems immune to his powers, which fascinates Mamiya. Mamiya eventually escapes from police custody. Takabe chases him down and kills him, then apparently takes up Mamiya’s mantle, mesmerizing others to make them kill.
The main problem with Cure is that is explains nothing. Nothing. I am all for open endings and for some mystery to make the viewer think, but Cure doesn’t make a damn bit of sense. Why is Mamiya all about hypnotism? Why does he want to make other people- total strangers- kill? Why can’t he hypnotize Takabe? Why does Takabe kill him? Why would the detective take over Mamiya’s work? What the Hell does the title mean? Takabe learns that the Japanese are traditionally leery of hypnotism. At one point, the police psychologist shows Takabe an old film of a woman undergoing hypnotherapy, and explains that the woman later killed her son, cutting his throat in an X. They make much of the fact that you can’t see the hypnotist’s face in the film – but nothing ever comes if it. They make the vaguest suggestions about an underground secret society of murderous Japanese hypnotists, but the hint is so obscure you can’t even be sure that’s what they’re getting at.
The movie isn’t particularly well-shot, either. There are numerous long-distance shots – entire scenes are shot from far away, so the characters look like insects while they converse in voice-overs (there’s lots of talking in this movie, but none of it really tells the audience anything) and long, slow scenes that had no apparent purpose other than padding Cure’s running time.
Because the movie gives us nothing concerning Mamiya’s or Takabe’s motivations, the actors don’t have much subtlety, or even much to do at all. Koji Yakusho is alternately mopey and angry as Takabe. Masato Hagiwara, is annoying as Hell, but since that’s the nature of the character I guess he did what he could with what he was given.
Cure could have been good, or at least entertaining in an outrageous, Dan Brown-y way; the idea is neat. But the writers just didn’t put in enough effort. It’s fine for a movie to leave a few untied strings, but when there are far more questions than answers, we have a problem.
Recommend-o-meter: Cure doesn’t fulfill its potential. Don’t waste your time.
Snakes rule. Especially ginormous 55-foot maneaters.
