It is an epic war that has claimed many. No one can remember how or why the fighting began. All they know now is war, a war like no other. A war between light and dark, right and wrong, good bacteria and bad bacteria… at least that is what the doctor told me.

He might have used the much more medical term ‘stomach bacteria’ to describe my recent tummy troubles but I knew what he really meant. I imagined little bacteria in little World War I planes dog fighting over the stomach acid lakes while below bacteria soldiers clashed on half digested hamburger hill, locked in deadly combat. My mind started to provide the sound affects and voices for all the tiny bacteria like an eight year old playing with his toys while the doctor continued to go into more detail.

“Everything you have described would seem to indicate stomach bacteria.”

Boom!… “Argg!”… Pew, pew… “Noooo! My cytoplasm!” clang, clang, Bang!

“I can already prescribe you some medication.”

Pew, pew, Kaboom!… “Tell my wife and 7 million bacteria children I love them.” Bang, Bang. “Agghhhhh!”

“You’ll need to take one a day for two weeks.”

Pew, pew… “Who’s in charge?!”… Pew, pew… “I thought you were in charge!”… Kaboom! “Aaaggghhh!”

“But I want to send you for a blood test…”

Pew, pew…
Hu?… Wait! What? Blood test? Needles! No! No! No!

I really don’t like needles.

“Just to confirm what kind of bacteria we are dealing with. In case we need to adjust the medication.”

What kind? Could he not see that it was clearly the work of the evil 3rd infantry bacterial unit led by the infamous General Grober van Bakterien? There was no time for blood tests. Good bacteria were dying. I was starting to question if this so called doctor had ever been to medical college.

I thought about telling him this for a moment but decided to keep my over active imagination to myself. Especially since he seemed like a man who had easy access to other needles that could be used to sedate ‘the crazy patient’.

It was time to bite the medical bullet. I might not like needles but it had to be done… for the troops. After all, how bad could it be?

The blood test (or as it shall know be known; “The Quest for a Vein”) took several attempts. Neither arm was spared a few pokes.

On the first attempt my right arm only produced a few drops of blood which apparently was not enough despite my belief that any small amount of blood taken from my body is more than enough.

On the second attempt my left arm produced even less blood. As the lady with the needle continued to poke around inside on her search I started to wonder if I actually had any veins.

On the third attempt I started to question if I even had a pulse.

And on the fourth attempt I was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief when she finally found the elusive vein and the blood started to flow, confirming that I was actually still alive and did not need to apply for zombie citizenship.

I was sent on my way without so much as a lollypop for being a brave boy. However, I did not leave without a souvenir. I was left with two huge bruises on the inside of both my elbows (where the blood was taken) which makes me look like a victim of domestic violence. This is incredibly unfair to let people think since my girlfriend was comforting me the whole time by letting me use her hand as a squeeze toy in what I can only describe as a death grip. That is why I have been telling everyone I walked into a door.

To be continued in: The chemist

4 Years. 216 Posts. 134 Cartoons. 3447 Comments.

Ok. Technically I was not writing for one of those four years but this blog is still four years old and I’ve been living in Holland for nine years. I get a lot of fun out of writing this blog and creating the cartoons for it and it makes me very happy to know that people like you enjoy reading it too. Thank you to all of you, old readers and new.

Why not check out the story that started it all. The tale of how I accidentally and unexpectedly ended up living in Holland: An Unexpected Beginning.

…and some of my other personal favourites:

… and many, many more that I can’t all list here.

Today our young guest writer Alex de Leeuw is back to tell us all about the fun time he had with his cousin and one of his friends as they helped my girlfriend, her brother and myself get our boat ready to be put in the water. As always I have translated for Alex since he is only a young Dutch lion and is still learning English.

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Mijn neef Jack het Luipaard en mijn vriend Mr Koala kwamen op bezoek vandaag. We hebben Stuart en zijn vriendin geholpen met het klussen aan hun boot.
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My cousin Jack the Leopard and my friend Mr Koala came to visit today. We helped Stuart and his girlfriend work on their boat.

Eerst moesten we er voor zorgen dat we het juiste gereedschap hadden. Het is heel belangrijk het goede gereedschap te gebruiken bij het klussen aan een boot.
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First we had to make sure we had the right tools. It is very important to have the right tools when working on a boat.

Mijn neef Jack gebruikt hier een groot schuurapparaat om de boot te schuren…
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My Cousin Jack used a big sanding tool to sand the boat…

…en ik gebruik een klein schuurapparaatje (maar dat vind ik niet erg)…
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… and I used a smaller sanding tool (but I did not mind)…

…en Mr Koala gebruikt een borstel om schoon te maken.
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… and Mr Koala used a brush to clean.

Toen namen we een thee pauze, want het was wel veel en hard werken.
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Then we took a tea break because it was a lot of hard work.

Toen deed ik nog wat meer schuurwerk, zodat mijn neef Jack kon gaan schilderen.
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Then I did some more sanding so my cousin Jack could paint.

En toen we klaar waren, hebben we op de boot gespeeld. Ik heb gewonnen met verstoppertje spelen.
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And when we were finished we played on the boat. I won hide and seek.

Ik ben de koning van de wereld!
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I’m the king of the world!

Klaar!
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Done!

Hans Mystiek was a very famous Dutch magician during the 1900s who amazed audiences all over the country with his pulling animals out of objects tricks for 24 years. Rabbits out of hats, doves out of pockets, cats out of bags, he did it all. He had even performed at the birthday of the Dutch queen on several occasions. She was particularly delighted by his Guinea Pig from a shoe tricks.

What made him the best loved magician in the whole of Holland was not only his skill in the art of conjuring tricks, his dashing good looks and his performance flair but also his desire to always be better than himself and over shadow his last amazing trick with an even more amazing new one.

So when the 25th year anniversary of his career as a magician was approaching Hans knew he had to put on the best show he had ever performed. Something extra special that no one had ever seen before in the whole history of stage magic. But how to improve upon his duck from a picnic basket trick? He struggled with it night and day, desperately trying to come up with a solution. Until one night…

“Eureka!” He shouted in a sudden flash of inspiration. “Ik weet wat ik doe!”

Hans locked himself away in his workshop for the next few weeks that followed. He refused any callers and ignored any messages. No one saw or heard from him as he worked feverishly on his new trick. However, some recall seeing large deliveries of bananas being made to his workshop under the cover of night.

Finally the night of the performance came. The rumors of Hans Mystiek’s new trick had got out and everyone was waiting in anticipation. Even the Dutch queen was in attendance.

The show started with a few of the usual tricks; a dog out of a kennel, a mouse out of a glove. The audience was captivated as always, unknowing of the disastrous surprise that was to come.

No one knows why it happened. Some speculate that the creature in question (which had remained well hidden and well behaved during the first act) had simply become agitated by its confined quarters during the second act or that it had been spooked by a particularly loud audience member cheering a successful budgie out of a hankie trick. All anyone at the show can recall is that with-out warning, while Hans was taking a bow there was an almighty screech and a monkey suddenly sprang from his sleeve and launched itself to the front row.

Some people screamed, others fainted but most tried to flee the auditorium in panic as the monkey ran about, coursing chaos everywhere. It jumped from seat to seat amongst the terrified audience, climbed the stage curtain, swung from a light, ran into the foyer and finally escaped through a skylight above the snack bar.

After the 10 minutes of monkey chaos Hans was left standing alone on stage in the wreaked theatre with a shocked look on his face, wounding where his trick had gone wrong. He never worked with monkeys again.

That is where the Dutch proverb “de aap komt uit de mouw” (the monkey comes out of the sleeve) originates from. It is a warning to stage magicians who are thinking about attempting any magic tricks that involve monkeys and serves to remind them that it is important to take every precaution necessary to avoid the tiny simian escaping too early during the second act and making off with the pearl necklace of the lady in the front row.

For other Dutch magician proverbs also see:
- The rabbit is out of the hat
- The card is out of the deck
- The assistant is sawn in half

(Actual meaning: An expression used when a surprise has become known, usually unintentionally. The same as the English proverb, “The cat is out of the bag.”)

This is just a small announcement to… well… announce that I have another improv show coming up on Saturday the 27th of March. The fun starts at 8:30pm at the Crea in Amsterdam and costs only 10 euros for the whole night. Myself and the rest of the cast will be taking your suggestions in the first show to make up completely free-for-all improvised stories that explore the countless possibilities of life on planet earth (and maybe beyond). In the second show two improvised stories will fight for domination with the fate of each hanging on the spin of a wheel and the whim of the audience. More details on: www.tdams.com